Animal Jokes

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three wishes."

The bear says "I wish all the bears in the forest were females." *poof* It's done.

The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." *poof* It's done.

The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females." *poof* It's done.

The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house." *poof* It's done.

The bear is thinking to himself "why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well." "And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female." *poof* It's done.

The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay." And he rides off on his motorcycle.






This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary."

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"





A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."





There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"





A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car. A bobby pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."

The man agreed and drove off. The next day the same man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car again.

The same bobby pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!", the bobby said. The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies. "





When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.






One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!''while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ''Who said that?!'' Once again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!'' The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, ''Cornelius.'' The robber said, ''What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!'' The parrot said, ''The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!''





A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"



 

Q: What's black and white and very noisy?
A: A magpie with a drum set!

Q: Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side...er, no — to go shopping...no, not that either...




Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him



The Burglar And The Parrot

A burglar breaks into a home; its dark and he is walking around when he hears a scary voice. "Jesus is watching you!"
He stops and looks around in the dark, scared.
He walks another few feet when the voice comes again, this time louder.
"Jesus is watching you!"
By now, starting to freak out, he wonders if this is a good idea.
He walks another few feet when suddenly the voice comes again, louder and right in front of him.
By now terrified he pulls out his torch, and in the (shaking) beam of the torch he sees a parrot ina cage.
The parrot says "Jesus is watching you!"
The burglar says " so you can talk."
The parrot replies, "Of course".
The burglar says "what's your name then?"
The parrot replies "Samson".
The burglar laughs and says to the parrot, "what sort of idiot calls a parrot Samson".
The parrot replies." The same idiot that called the Rottweiler Jesus!"




A man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. He heard a voice behind him saying, "Hey, got any food to spare?" He looked around and saw that he was the only customer in the place. So he shook his head and continued to enjoy his drink. Then he heard it again, "Hey, got any food to spare?" He once again looked around and noticed a cat looking directly at him. He got all excited and yelled to the bartender, "That cat can talk! Did you hear that cat talk? That cat can talk!"
The bartender replied, "Mister, cats can't talk. Don't you know that? It's the dog over there. He's a ventriloquist."



An American In London

An American soldier is riding on a crowded London train. He walks around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees an English woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her.
The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your lap so that I can sit down?" The English woman replies: "Young man, don't bother us, go away."
The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through the train and still can't find a seat.
He goes back to the English woman with the poodle and asks again: "Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please let me sit down." The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you to go away and don't bother us. If you don't go away right now I'll call the conductor to remove you."
By now the American was quite upset so he took one more walk around the train, couldn't find a seat, so he finally came back and threw the poodle right out of the train window.
All this time an English gentleman had been looking over his newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American soldier and the English woman.
The Englishman says: "You know, you Americans are quite strange. First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you destroy the English language, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the window."



A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Roy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.



Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever. "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine.



I'm really worried about my dog, "I dropped some coins on the floor and before I could pick them up, he ate them." The vet advised him to leave his dog at the vet overnight. The next morning, the man called to see how his dog was doing, the vet replied, "No change yet."



A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into The bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!



EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DOG SHOWS

ANGULATION-Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges.

BALANCE-How to arrange the checkbook so your spouse won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.

BITCH-(A)Name for a lady dog. (B)Name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

COAT-The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

DAM-(A)A lady dog with children. (B)Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

ELBOW-Method of getting to ringside when late.

EXPRESSION-"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

FANCIER-Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

FEATHERING-What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.

FRONT-Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

HEEL-(A)What you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice. (B)Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

HEIGHT-As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 inch.

HOCK-A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.

KENNEL-Where you go when the kids fight and your spouse yells at you.

LITTER-Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

MASK-What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.

MUZZLE-What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

NOSEPRINTS-Cute marks left all over your French doors.

OUTCROSSING-What your spouse tells the minister that you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

POINTS-Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

PUPPIES-Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)



Top 10 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Dog....

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one
will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day,
and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually
think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can
entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to
worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the
same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and
come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

And God Created Dog


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.





Alphabetical Guide to Whelping


A Abnormal Birth The only kind you hear of after you have your bitch in whelp.
B Box for Whelping Essential piece of equipment which is used at the onset of labor, but which is later left in order to produce the first pup on your bed.
C Cardiac Arrest Not common in whelping bitches, but often seen in owners around 62nd day of bitches gestation.
D Dog What you wish you had bought in the first place.
E Euphemisms For some reason adopted by breeders. e.g. "Puppies are thriving" means puppies have just eaten next months housekeeping budget in five days.
F False Alarms Games played by whelping bitches to keep owners on their toes.
G Garden What you had before your puppies.
H Hand Rearing Not recommended unless you have eight hands.
I Imperfections Your puppies, of course, have none.
J Joy Despite other comments, puppies bring a lot of it with them.
K Kennel That shed in the garden that used to stay empty until you stored tools in it.
L Long Sleep Ins What you don't have for a very long time.
M Milk You will need a lot of it. Recommend developing friendship with someone in the trade.
N Next Time Next time you'll be more organized!
O Old Clothes The only kind you have after rearing puppies.
P Pedigree After writing out a five generation pedigree eight times, you will agree there is a lot to be said for mongrels.
Q Quota Dictionary definies this words as "finite quantity". Visualize litter of eight - then number nine arrives.
R Refurnishing Takes place after sorting out debris once the last puppy is gone.
S Stress Can be bought in cans. Can also be found accompanied by strain in owners.
T Teeth Teething puppies are an upholster's dream. See "R".
U Useful Articles Scissors, cotton, LARGE WHISKEY.
V Vet The chap whose phone number you learn by heart.
W Weaning Excellent method for getting the smallest amount of milk and food over the largest area of floors, walls, etc. in the shortest time.
X X-rayed What your head should have been before you started all this.
Y Yellow Fever About the only disease you decide the puppies don't have when they sneeze the first time.
Z Zigzag Zoom! Puppies do it when you try to catch them to put them back in their kennel.

A Dog's Eyeview of Obedience Class



HEEL ON LEAD: Walk as slowly as you can, then spring forward with all your weight. If your handler falls flat on his or her face, you score 25 points.

RECALL: When your handler shouts at you, assume rock deafness. On no account sit in front of your handler, because he will only make you heel. 25 points if your handler loses his voice.

RETRIEVE the DUMBBELL: On no account fetch it back, because he will only throw it away again. If he wants the stupid piece of wood let him fetch it himself, you will be helping to train him not to throw away things he really wants. 5 points every time the handler gets the dumbbell.

SIT: Stay one inch away from the ground at the back end. This builds muscles and makes your rear legs stronger, which will help you pull your handler down on the HEEL ON LEAD.

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
 

Fitness Program


You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need. The following exercises can (and will) be done anytime, anywhere.

Inner Thighs - Place the dogs favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt barelegged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed. Repeat. Repeat. repeat. As the dog ages, the process is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed and so on.

Balance and Coordination:


Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway. Repeat. Repeat. repeat.

Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air and slams both paws into the back of your knees.

Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Exercise 3(Alternate): For older dogs; attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elder dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.


Upper Arms (Alternate): Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination:: Remove foreign object from locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body. hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: this is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves (alternate): Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or feeble to 'French kiss' when you least expect it.




How to Photograph a New Puppy



1.) Remove film from box and load camera.
2.) Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3.) Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4.) Choose a suitable background for photo.
5.) Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6.) Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7.) Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8.) Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9.) Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10.) Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11.) Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12.) Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13.) Put magazines back on coffee table.
14.) Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15.) Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16.) Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17.) Call spouse to clean up mess.
18.) Fix a drink.
19.) Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Let sleeping Dogs Lie



Whoever said "LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs.
The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.

Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog.

Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.

Rule Number Two: Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed.

As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boone cap.

Rule Number Three: The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog.

The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dogflesh sleeps breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake.

The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.

Rule Number Four: When the dog wakes - you wake.

So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night - safe, contented, heavy and loud.





New Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso= Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow= Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter= Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund= Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso= Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel= Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever= Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound= Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog= Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador= Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer= Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute= Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier= Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu= Oh, never mind....

Puppy Vocabulary


Flower bed = toilet
Tulip = delicacy
Rose bush = see tulip
Tree bark = see tulip
Newspaper = not a toilet; see tulip
Cats = self propelled toys
Mom's fingers and clothes = the best chew toys money can buy
Refrigerator = a god that is to be worshipped and sat in front of many, many times throughout the day, even if no one is in the kitchen
Food in bowl = air, to be inhaled in the same fashion
Blanket for bed = chew toy
Big plant outside the back door = bed
Great big green lawn = not a toilet
Newspaper = something to go potty next too
Dirt clod = see tulip
Compost Pile = smorgasbordv Small children = litter mates (it's even better when they try to run away)
Crying baby = someone to sing a duet with
Safety gates = bad, very bad
Leash = see safety gate
Collar = see safety gate
Puppy Toys = not as fun as baby toys
couch = dog bed
human's favorite chair = see couch
human's lap = see couch
anywhere in particular that you want to be = see couch
toilet = water dish
cat litter box = candy store
birdseed = dog food
people food = see birdseed
baby food = see birdseed
fake plastic Easter grass = same as outdoor grass
outdoor grass = toilet
My new brothers tail = tug toy
My new brothers chest = tug toy
My new brothers lips and ears = tug toy
No! = my shadow's name, every time I hear it, he's there.